Forgiveness Myth 23: I Can’t Forgive

Welcome to Forgiveness Myth 23: I Can't Forgive

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it over the years of ministering to people. That look of utter shock and disbelief. The “You’re out of your mind” look. The instant flash of rage and hatred. 

You Want Me to Forgive Them for What They Did to Me?

There is a multitude of responses expressed when the topic of forgiveness enters the conversation. There is so much wickedness in this world that spills over into our lives. There’s not one person in the world that hasn’t been negatively touched by evil. Some more than others.

There are so many ways to be wounded. There are so many hard things that damage us to the core. There are so many injustices that need righting. Here are a few: abandonment, betrayal, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, bullying, bigotry, racism, hatred, violence, war, murder, rape, robbery, social injustice, false accusations, slander, and rejection. The list goes on and on and on.

We know the incredible destruction these things can have upon a person. They are devastating and many times have life-long consequences. There are physical scars, emotional scars, and wounds that shape the way we think of ourselves and relate to the world around us.

In the midst of all of this pain and destruction, God tells us to forgive those who hurt us. That is the reason for all of the various looks I get from the people I minister to. They can’t believe that I am asking them to forgive the one(s) who hurt them. Your feelings are understandable, but God has a better way.

How Can I Forgive the Unforgivable?

The thought behind each expression is, “How can I forgive the unforgivable?” They tell me, “You don’t know what they did to me.” They think, If I could get away with it, I would kill them. “There is no way I can forgive them for what they did.” Overwhelmed by the pain inside, some say, “I can’t forgive.”

About 70 million people died as a result of World War II. One man’s attempt to raise up a 1,000-year dynasty ended in so much pain and failure. It is hard to imagine the depths of pain caused by the destruction across the nations.

One person affected was a Jewish man called Yitzhak Zuckerman. He saw the horrors of the Nazi concentration camp and the atrocities taking place in the Warsaw Ghetto. The impact of all the death and useless destruction caused him to be filled with hatred and bitterness. He told people, “If you could lick my heart it would poison you.”

Corrie Ten Boom (click here to listen to her testimony) was another person affected by the war. Her family was arrested and sent to Ravensbruck concentration camp. Her father died, her sister died, and she endured horrific humiliation and pain. Before her sister died, she would constantly tell Corrie to forgive those who were doing horrible things to them.

How can you forgive something so terrible? How can you let go of all the anger and pain?

Only God Can Help

Yitzhak said, “I can’t forgive.” He couldn’t let go of his rage. He was an alcoholic and struggled with mental torment for the remainder of his life.

After the war, Corrie Ten Boom was speaking at an event about the Lord and the cruelest guard from the concentration camp came to her, told her he had accepted Christ, stuck out his hand, and asked her to forgive him.

She looked at him and said in her heart, No, I can’t forgive. I hate you.

Various Scriptures came to her mind about forgiveness and God moved in her heart. She was instantly freed, took the man’s hand, and forgave Him.

She said she couldn’t forgive, but God could.

God never asks us to do something He will not empower us to do. You are never alone. He’ll give you the ability to forgive and you will experience the delivering power of His grace to free you from the torment of bitterness and unforgiveness.

You Can Forgive

When someone says they can’t forgive it usually means they won’t forgive. Forgiveness is a decision we make to obey the Lord’s command to forgive those who have hurt us. We are to forgive not only our brothers and sisters who hurt us but even our enemies. We are to love them and pray for them (Matthew 5:44).

I am going to say it again so that it sinks in deep. God will never ask you to do something you cannot do. You can forgive and you must forgive if you are to receive the freedom Christ has for your life.

Jesus says some pretty scary words in the parable of the unjust servant. One servant was forgiven a massive debt because of the Lord’s mercy. This servant grabbed a guy who owed him far less and threw him and his family in prison until the entire debt was paid off. Listen to the words the master said to his servant:

 Then summoning him, his master *said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34 And his master, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he would repay all that was owed him. 35 My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”  (Matthew 5:32-35)

Did you read that last sentence? Jesus said that God would turn you over to the tormentor if you did not forgive from your heart. Don’t perceive this as a threat. Jesus is not threatening you, He’s warning you. Unforgiveness blocks your relationship with God and opens you up to demonic torment.

Jesus died to free you. He doesn’t want you to experience torment, but it comes with the territory of unforgiveness. Jesus wants you to forgive the one who hurt you. You feel you can’t. Jesus says you can.

Now is the time to forgive. Is there anyone you are angry and bitter with that you need to forgive?  If so, then I encourage you to take a moment right now, get before the Lord, and forgive the person. God will help you and it will have a dramatic effect on your life.

How Do I Forgive?

I know it may be hard. The Lord is your strength. He will help you. You can forgive. Nothing is too difficult for you with the power of the Holy Spirit. He gives you what you need when you need it. 

1. Write every name the Lord brings to your mind. Don’t stop writing until the names stop coming to your mind.

2. Wait a moment and then ask the Lord if there is anyone else. It does not matter how small or big the offense against you.

3. Choose to forgive each person for what they have done to you, one by one. Ask the Lord to help you be a forgiving person.

4. Do the following for each person on your list. 

1. Choose to forgive them by name.

2. Say the specific things for which you are forgiving them. Don’t say a generic prayer. They did specific things to hurt you, forgive them specifically. For example, “I forgive my mom for knowing about but not stopping the sexual abuse of my father.”

3. Release them to the Lord

5. Thank the Lord for forgiving you and helping you to be a forgiving person

Here is a sample prayer to help guide you if you need help:

I choose to forgive __(name)__ for ____(specific thing)_____ (as many times as necessary). I no longer hold anything against ___(name)___ I choose to release ___(him/her)___ into Your hands as righteous judge.

P.S. Let me know in the comments below if you chose to forgive someone you thought you could not forgive. You don’t have to give details. Just let me know so I can celebrate with you. What you did was huge. I am proud of you for choosing God’s way.