Welcome to Forgiveness Myth 18: I can’t forgive because the person is dead or will not talk to me.
I Thought I had to go to the Person to Forgive or be Forgiven
Two of the greatest myths surrounding forgiveness is that I can’t forgive a person until they ask me to forgive them (see Forgiveness Myth 14: Forgiveness can only take place if they ask for forgiveness) and that if I do forgive them I must tell them that they are forgiven (see Forgiveness Myth 17: Forgiveness means I have to tell the other person they are forgiven). A third myth is our topic today: I can’t forgive because the person is dead or will not talk to me.
True forgiveness is an issue of the heart between you and God. It does not require the person who hurt you input at all. The Bible is clear that if a person sins against us we are to go to him or her and seek to make it right.
15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15)
The Bible also speaks about if we know we have sinned against another to go to them and seek to make it right.
23 Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. (Matthew 5:23-24)
If that is true, then what do you do if you cannot talk to the one who sinned against you and make it right? Maybe they are dead and there is no possible way to talk with them and get things right. Or, how about those who refuse to talk with you when you try to contact them to talk about how they hurt you?
How can I Forgive a Person who is Dead?
Concerning those who have died, there is no way that you can go back and make things right. There is no way they can ask for forgiveness for the pain they have caused you. Yet, you are not without recourse. That’s the beauty of forgiveness.
To forgive is to release a person into the hands of God and set them free from your judgment and desire for justice. You are trusting the Lord to be your avenger and bring about justice. They do not have to be present for you to do this or you would be trapped in your pain and unforgiveness for the rest of your life.
Forgiveness does not require the person who hurt you to acknowledge what they did or to hear the words, “I forgive you, “ come out of your mouth. Forgiveness is something you do regardless of the attitude or availability of the person who sinned against you.
Forgiveness is a choice you make to release the person to God regardless of anything they do or don’t do. Forgiveness is something that takes place in your heart and results in you being set free of the weight you were carrying.
How can I Forgive A Person who Won't Talk to Me?
But what about the people who are alive and refuse to talk with you. If they see you, they turn and walk the other way. Or if you call them, they do not answer the phone or hang up when they recognize your voice?
First, I want to say I believe God would love for your relationship to be fully restored. He is a God who restores, that’s His nature. But restoring a relationship is a two-person adventure. Both sides must be willing to reconcile and continue with the relationship. But that’s not always possible.
You can only do your part. You can’t make choices for the other person. The Bible clearly encourages us to be at peace with everyone as far as it is possible.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:18-19)
If you desire to speak to the person and they refuse, you have done all you can do. You have taken the steps the Lord requires of you. You are not responsible for the responses of others.
Second, you are not helpless because the other person will not deal with the issues. You can still forgive them. You do not have to wait for them to repent or seek reconciliation. You can forgive them and release them to God right this minute. There is no need to wait.
The good news of God’s forgiveness is that it is independent of the responses of others. You will never be held in bondage because another person refuses to repent or come to you seeking your forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a gift from God allowing you to rid yourself of the torment of unforgiveness. All it requires is trusting God and understanding that His way is the best way and He will avenge you and bring justice in His timing.
Forgiveness frees you to walk in the newness of life. It’s God’s way of releasing you from the continued impact of the sin committed against you. No one should have power over your soul. Forgiveness frees you from those who hurt you and allows you to experience life as God intends it to be.
Is there someone you need to forgive today? If so, now is a perfect time.
