Hey, Terry Tuinder here. Today, we are discussing forgiveness myth number seven: Forgiveness means reconciling with the other person.
This is a major point of confusion for many. People often think, "If I forgive, that means we are automatically back to being best friends," but that is simply not the case. To break this myth, we have to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Forgiveness Is Internal; Reconciliation Is Relational
Forgiveness is about us. It is an internal issue of our own hearts. If someone has deeply harmed us, unforgiveness resides within us. When we forgive, we release that person from our anger, our judgments, and our desire for vengeance. Forgiveness is a solo act — something only you can do.
Reconciliation, however, takes two. You can forgive someone in your heart while standing alone, but you cannot reconcile alone.
The Requirements for Reconciliation
For a relationship to be truly restored, two things must happen on the part of the person who hurt you:
Acknowledgment: They must acknowledge that they actually hurt you and caused a rift in the relationship. It is not enough to simply say, "Just get over it."
Repentance: This is more than just feeling bad. True reconciliation requires a change in behavior.
What Is True Repentance?
Too often, we think repentance is just "feeling sorry." But biblical repentance is much deeper — a total change of heart and direction. The New Bible Dictionary defines repentance as "a complete alteration of the basic motivation and direction of one's life."
As John the Baptist said, we must "bring forth fruit worthy of repentance." If someone is truly repenting, their actions will change. They won't just say they're sorry and then repeat the same behavior. True repentance opens the door for restoration.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same
Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship broken by hurt. You cannot have true reconciliation if there is a continuing pattern of sin. It takes two people to reconcile. If the person who hurt you does not want to take responsibility and change their behavior, reconciliation will not take place.
Forgiveness means: "I am releasing you, letting you go, and surrendering this to the Lord."
Reconciliation means: "We are walking together again because there has been a change of heart and action."
Forgiveness Opens the Door for Reconciliation
While forgiveness is not reconciliation, it opens the door for it. We want to see restored relationships, but we have to deal with the unforgiveness in our own hearts first, regardless of how the other person responds.
Romans 12:18 (NASB95) tells us, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Our peace comes through forgiving those who hurt us. This prepares our heart for reconciliation and leaves the ball in the other person's court. In some cases, reconciliation is undesirable if the person refuses to repent. Sometimes it is best to forgive and let the person go.
Release them today. Deal with the internal weight, and trust God with the rest of the relationship.
A Prayer for Change
Lord, I pray in Jesus' name that You help me to be a forgiving person. You have given me the ability to forgive others because You have forgiven me. If there is anyone I need to forgive, help me release that person now. Even if total restoration is not possible right now, help me deal with the unforgiveness in my heart. Bless me in the strong name of Jesus, Amen.
Have a great day, and God bless!
