Forgiveness Myth 19: I Must Get Over My Hurt Before I Forgive

Welcome to Forgiveness Myth 19: I must get over my hurt feelings before I can forgive.

There is a lot of Pain in the World

There is a lot of pain in the world. To think otherwise is to bury one’s head in the sand.

Every day as I pray over the world there is a list of painful situations that no one should have to endure. There are Christians being severely persecuted for their faith, wars, rapes, murders, sex trafficking, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, divorces, people being abandoned. Ouch. That is a lot of pain.

The list could go on and on. There are so many ways we can get hurt in this life. Maybe you can identify with something on the list or have something totally different. Either way, you have pain in your heart that you want to be healed and it doesn’t seem to be taking place.

Bad Advice Won't Heal You Heart

There are some common things people give you as advice that I find flat out wrong. One is that time will heal your pain. As if there is something magical in time that heals a pain-filled heart. How long has your heart been wounded? Shouldn’t it be getting better? Shouldn’t things be changing for the better?

Another unhelpful piece of advice is “Just get over it.” “Great idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” Yet, no matter how hard you try you don’t get over it. You try to put it out of your mind and it comes crowding back in. You try to push it down deep in your soul but you feel the pressure of it pressing against you. It’s still there.

Another thought that hinders forgiveness and healing is the focus of today’s myth: “I must get over my hurt feelings before I can forgive.”

This sounds logical at first glance. What they did to me hurt so bad. I can’t forgive them while I am so hurt. I will wait until the pain goes away and then I will forgive. But, as we’ve seen, the pain often does not go away and you are stuck in the same spot believing you must heal before you forgive.

Feelings are never a good source to direct your choices in life. They either stay the same or they go up and down and all around. It is always better to base your life on the word of God and the wisdom He provides.

Feelings are fickle. They can change in an instant. Have you ever been going along in your day feeling happy and glad to be alive and then a thought pops into your mind that brings tears to your eyes and causes a heavy weight of darkness to come crashing down on you?

A good question to ask is “When will I feel good enough to forgive?” What percentage of the pain must be healed before you forgive? 50%?, 75%?, 100%? When will you be whole enough to forgive?

Forgiveness Brings Healing

I want to suggest to you that you will not heal until you choose to forgive. Forgiveness opens the door for healing to take place. Releasing the person who hurt you is a vital part of the healing process. It doesn’t require a reduction of your pain to forgive, but forgiving can very well start the process of healing. Or even better, may heal your heart in an instant.

I can’t tell you how many times the Lord has brought healing in my life when I chose to forgive someone for the pain they caused me. Each time I had to trust the Lord that forgiving others was His perfect plan for me.

God’s ways are always right. There’s never a time when He doesn’t know what to do or how to do it. He always knows what’s best for your life.

Jesus often mentioned forgiveness in His teachings. He also proclaimed to people that they were forgiven. God’s offer of forgiveness through the blood of Jesus is the doorway for our relationship with God.

Jesus knows what He is talking about. You can trust that when He says something He means it. You can be assured that His word is true and will never change. You can trust in His insight and be led by His words.

Why am I emphasizing this so strongly? It’s because Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness goes counter to what we think is fair. You can probably come up with a list of reasons why the person who hurt you shouldn’t be forgiven or reasons why you should put off forgiving them until later.

Forgiving in the Midst of Your Pain

The myth we are busting today is that you will forgive when your hurt feelings are healed. It puts off forgiving until the pain is gone. This is the opposite of what Jesus modeled for us on the cross.

When Jesus was nailed to the cross with people around Him mocking and despising Him, He chose to forgive. This is at the height of His humiliation and pain. He’s hanging naked for all to see with four spikes in His hands and feet yet He utters these words:

Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing. (Luke 23:34)

This is one of the most amazing actions I’ve ever heard. The impact of this truth must have touched the heart of Stephen, one of the deacons of the church who was stoned to death as he was preaching about Jesus. As they were pelting his body with stones Stephen cried out to Jesus in Acts 7:60:

Lord, do not hold this sin against them!

Immediately after saying these words, Stephen died. He forgave those who were killing him.

Both Jesus and Stephen offer proof that you don’t have to wait until your wounds are healed to forgive those who hurt you. The exact opposite is true. You still have your pain because you haven’t forgiven.

Unforgiveness Extends the Pain

There are a couple of things Jesus says about forgiveness that’s somewhat hard for us to take. He says that if we don’t forgive, God will not forgive us. Beyond that, He says that if we don’t forgive, God will turn us over to the tormentors.

14 For if you forgive other people for their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses. (Matthew 6:14)

33 Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34 And his master, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he would repay all that was owed him. 35 My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:33-35)

What? Would Jesus say something like that? Certainly. He knows the destructiveness of unforgiveness and its impact upon your life. He wants you to be free from unforgiveness and healed in your heart.

So today you have a choice. Will you forgive the one who hurt you or will you remain in the pain you are experiencing in your heart? Will you choose to trust that Jesus knows what He is talking about and that you can forgive the one who hurt you despite the level of pain you’re currently experiencing.

Choose to Forgive so Your Pain can Heal

When you choose to forgive, you’re choosing to walk in the example of Jesus. As you forgive the one who hurt you, give the Lord all the pain you are experiencing, and ask Him to heal your broken heart.

Give Jesus every emotion you’re feeling. Tell Him, “I give you the embarrassment, the pain, the shame, the humiliation, and the rage I feel toward ______.” Whatever feelings you’re experiencing, give them to Jesus, then ask Him to heal your broken heart.

Jesus died to deal with every aspect of your life: the spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational. His goal is for you to be whole in every area of your life. Before I go, let me pray for you that the Lord will touch your heart and heal you as you learning to be a forgiving person.

Father, I pray that you would bring total healing to the heart of my brother or sister. Release them from all the baggage they have been carrying and free them to be who you created them to be.

May they no longer be shaped by the pain of the past. May they only be shaped by your call and purpose for their life.

May they freely forgive others because you have forgiven them. Help them to trust You and know Your way is best for them. In Jesus’ name.

P. S. If God touched your heart through this post, let me know in the comments below.

P.P.S. If you desire to work on forgiving others and healing your broken heart consider purchasing the course below called Healing Your Broken Heart, which goes much more in-depth on the process of healing.