Welcome to Forgiveness Myth 15: Forgiving Makes Me a Doormat.
I Will Not Forgive You Again!
Jennie quivered with anger as she helped Bill to bed. This was the third time this month that he had gone out for a drink with his buddies and came home stumbling drunk.
That’s it, she thought. I refuse to forgive you for what you’ve done.
Out loud she vowed, “Bill, I’m done forgiving you. All you do is treat me like a doormat. You promise me it will never happen again and then within a few days you come home a drunken fool. You walk all over me and then ask me to forgive you. From this day forward, I will no longer be your doormat. I will not forgive you again.”
Walking out the door, she said, “You made your bed, now lie in it.”
Maybe you’re like Jennie and believe that if you forgive a person their repetitive sins you’re just being a doormat and they’re walking all over you. The only solution you can think of is being strong and no longer forgiving the one who hurt you. You think unforgiveness is strength and not letting them get away with walking on you again, but it’s not.
You think that standing up and refusing to forgive somehow shows the person that you mean business. He deserves what he’s getting for the way he is acting. You will no longer let him walk all over you.
Problems With Unforgivenss
There are a few problems with this type of thinking. First, your anger and refusal to forgive are not a solution. It’s an attempt to protect yourself from the actions of the one hurting you. Anger feels powerful and makes you think you are doing something to make yourself strong, but in the long run, it brings division and, if carried long enough, turns into bitterness.
Second, the Apostle James tells us in James 1:20 “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” If you are hoping that your anger will turn the situation around, it will not. It will only add to your problems. Not only are you carrying around the pain over what the person did to hurt you, but you are also now carrying the effects of anger and unforgiveness in your heart.
Your anger just multiplies the problem and makes it that much more complicated. We are told what we should do with our anger in the book of Ephesians. Paul says, “BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). It’s okay to get angry. What is vital is how we handle our anger. Paul tells us to not allow anger to remain in our hearts overnight.
The Solution to Unforgiveness
So what can we do with anger and unforgiveness?
The Bible instructs us in multiple places to forgive those who sin against us. Here are a few of the passages that speak about it.
9 “Pray, then, in this way:
‘Our Father, who is in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.’
14 For if you forgive other people for their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses. (Matthew 6:9-15)
21 Then Peter came up and said to Him, “Lord, how many times shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy-seven times [some translation say seventy times seven] (Matthew 18:21-22)
32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)
25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you for your offenses. (Mark 11:25)
The Bible is clear that we have to forgive those who sin against us. Even if they do it multiple times on a consistent basis. “WHAT?” you might say. “That can’t be right. That just proves you have to be a doormat and let people walk all over you.”
Set Boundaries and Hold Bill Accountable
Not at all. The Bible talks about setting boundaries and the people who hurt us being held responsible for their actions. God will never enable sin. He holds us responsible for our sins.
Forgiveness in no way makes you a doormat. Forgiveness in no way means you do not hold a person responsible for their actions. Forgiveness in no way means that there will not be consequences for their actions.
Forgiveness does not leave you helpless and allow a person to constantly sin against you. Bill needs to be held accountable for what he is doing. If he refuses to change, there may be a need for some consequences.
Henry Cloud wrote a book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. In this book, Cloud describes how to establish boundaries in your life. He even wrote a book entitled Boundaries in Marriage. You are not a helpless victim that must constantly let people walk on you like a doormat. You have choices you can make to change your life.
Forgiveness releases you from anger and bitterness. It does not mean that you just sit by and allow the actions to continue. You can set boundaries that will seek to protect you from being walked on.
Seek Out Godly Counsel
Setting boundaries is difficult if you have never done it before in your life. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. Bill needs a wake-up call to realize what he is doing and if things do not change, there will be consequences to his actions.
Your situation is not unique. There are those who have gone through what you are experiencing and have some solutions you could try. Be sure to seek wise counsel on the steps you could take to begin to hold the one walking all over you accountable for his or her actions.
Most of all, forgive. For it will only cause greater harm to your life if you hang on to it. Unforgiveness keeps the foot of the one treading upon your heart and emotions firmly in place. Forgiveness removes that foot and allows you to experience new levels of freedom.
